Catching Up

I haven't been especially busy, I just haven't had the motivation to publish anything here.  I write daily in my personal journal but writing for this blog takes some additional effort because I can't just do what I do in my journal: free-write stream of consciousness.  Things need to be a little more polished.  And I haven't had the oomph to do that. 

What I've been up to: I finished the series of Master Gardener classes.  I've been working on the garden, bit by bit.  This year is especially dry so I'm being cautious in how much I plant. Waiting for the rains to arrive.  Growth seems incredibly slow but things are growing. 

I've been napping and resting a lot due to a flare of the autoimmune stuff.  Indulging in the guilty pleasure of watching the old television series ER.  I do a little bit around the house, get tired, sit and watch an episode, then get up and do a little more.  I'm struggling with feelings of frustration and anger that I can't do more. Trying to manage pain and the self-judgment that comes with having limited capacities.

I remember that all winter I craved summer:  the ability to walk around in shorts and a tank top, to keep the doors and windows open to the fresh air, to do yoga outside and work in the garden, to sit outside with my cup of coffee and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin.  To get out of the shower and not have to rush into my clothes just to get warm.  Summer is here now and I'm trying to relish it. 

My moods go through cycles and I'm experiencing some emotional numbness lately, likely part of the flare. It's feels like the goodness of things, all the joy that I usually have with summer, can't quite penetrate.  I know in a rational kind of way that the conditions of happiness are here, so I'm happy in that sense, but it doesn't touch my emotional state.  It has happened before and it will pass.  I don't attach any significance to it.