Lessons Learned and the Usual Tradeoffs

Completely exhausted today.  I have had worse than usual bad sleep for the past week.  I must have woken up close to a hundred times last night.  

Today, I feel like I'm dragging myself through concrete.  There are so many things I want to be doing--and I really miss being at the university and seeing my students.  But I'm sitting here in a chair and even this is difficult.  I'm stiff all over and both of my hips hurt like hell.  I tried to do a little stretching this morning to see if that would help, but I was too tired to do much at all.

I'm really happy I had a few good days a week ago, but now that it's back to this, I'm really missing being like that.  To be normal is such an achievement and when I am, it feels incredible.  

Yesterday, we drove into Taos to grocery shop.  Both of my hips hurt so much I sat and wiggled and tried not to groan. I don't want to be a constant complainer so I don't like to let others close to me know when I'm in pain.  But to be in pain and to hide it too--that's a lonely thing.  

I took extra pain meds yesterday after we got back from town and I slept for a short bit.  That helped some.  Still, I slept for 12 hours last night (or should I say, was in bed tossing and turning), and 12 hours the night before that.  I had horrible nightmares about being attacked with a knife and losing my dog, etc.  

I made myself go for two short walks yesterday in the hopes that the exercise would help with the soreness and exhaustion.  It didn't help but it did shift my focus for a short period of time and it gave my body some needed exercise.

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I took a three hour nap and now I feel much better.  I'm still sore all over and my nap was not restful, but I don't feel as exhausted.

I just read an essay on culture jamming in The Consumer Society Reader.  It's really interesting to think about what a Situationist act might look like, here off the grid and in the desert--there's no audience, no marketing.  

I'm also currently reading Woodswoman by Anne LaBastille.  I'm really enjoying it--she's got a very readable writing style.

My latest music finds are A Hawk and a Hacksaw (a semi-local band from Albuquerque with a sound reminiscent of Beirut) and The Builders and the Butchers (who are sort of dark Americana).  

Here's one of my favorites from the Builders and the Butchers (Bringing Home the Rain):

I went for a very short walk after my nap, looked at animal tracks. I'm learning to notice the identifying features of animal tracks.  I think all the ones I saw today were from dogs.  

The weather has changed.  It's definitely a different season now: fall.  The leaves have changed from growing to dying.  All of the peaches on the one tree have ripened and fallen.  I did nothing with them.  I do have plans for the next tree, which is now ripening.  I ate one today and it was rather mealy, but passable.