Wound Too Tight

Faywood Hot Springs, Faywood, NM
My brain has been a mess for two days now.  My mental state is constantly roiling.  I have never known what exactly this state is, what medical or psychological term to use to define it.  It feels like a combination of impending migraine, anxiety attack, dissociation, fatigue, depression, I just don’t know what it is.  It comes out of the blue with no apparent cause.  Efforts to think about or do something, even the most basic things, such as getting dressed or pouring coffee, are enough to bring me to a total brain-whirling-in-chaos-yet-body-frozen-in-standstill. At its worst, I can't speak and I can't make decisions about things like whether it's best to stand up or to sit down. 

I know that the more I focus on it and fret about it, the worse it gets.  One management technique I’ve learned is to tell myself that as bad as it is right now, it will eventually pass, and thinking about it or immersing myself in it will not help it pass, that will only make it worse.  Something that works is distraction with something simple yet engaging.  

I want to write and anytime I think about it, about the deliberate act of writing, my fucking brain begins to whirl and tighten.  I've done what I can to reduce the tension in my life and seriously, how much more relaxed could things be, staying at a hot springs for a month in the middle of the desert, and no interpersonal conflict.  No responsibilities beyond the basic necessities for my self and the dog.  No mortgage, no car loan, no professional appearance to maintain, no fancy meals to make, no rush hour traffic, no article deadlines, no papers to grade or e-mails I have to send, no messed up marriage, no turbulent teenager in the house, no committee meetings to attend.  Most everything around me is good--I love my husband and having the opportunity to spend  a lot of time with him, I love where I am (though a bit more space would be good), I love my freedom to spend my time as I wish, and yet I still have these states.  I don't understand.