A Windy Day, Hairy Legs, and Thinking Too Much
The wind is strong and gusty today. Siris is wary--he was reluctant to go on his morning walk (which we call a peramble because he doesn't yet know that word) and he intermittently tries to hide under my desk or chair. Maybe the unsettledness of the air has unsettled my thoughts. They're all a-whirl with things I'm thinking about and things I want to do.
Here are a few:
I've been reading homesteading and gardening blogs and I'm pining over the greenness of the plant life and the richness of the soil. Between the lack of rain here and the wind, the ground is so dry it crunches when you walk on it. I'm absolutely loving the desert, it's like nowhere else and I'm appreciating the chance to learn an entirely new environment. It feels different from anywhere else I've lived. But at the same time, I love watching things grow and cultivating growing things, and here things grow more slowly and are sparse, compared to wetter climates, where in the spring, vegetation is lush and rich. I put my seedling tomatoes outside yesterday in the sun for a few hours; when I brought them in they looked sun and wind scalded. I hope they recover. The lettuce I planted in the garden hasn't shown any signs of germination yet; I water it daily but still the soil dries out soon after it's watered. There were two sunflower sprouts I've noticed in the last few weeks during my walks; one is now completely dead, dried up to nothing, and the other, though it looked like it was flourishing and getting its second set of leaves a few days ago, is today shriveled up and sad looking. What a sad thing that seems: having only two little sunflower plants to watch, even though it's spring, and then they die. In truth, there are many other kinds of plants growing now, but it's still vastly different from and much sparser than the east coast. Oh well, given the choice to adapt or be miserable, I'll choose to try to adapt.
Another thought: there are areas in the front of the house where, when it does rain, the water flows down profusely. There are pots there from previous years, I suppose others have planted things there because there is more water there than other places. But the streams of falling water are so intense that they drown the things that are planted in the pots. My thought: I'd like to put a rain barrel or two under these spouts to catch some of the water and use it for watering the plants in the front of the house. But I'm wondering if it makes sense to buy the materials, such as plastic trash cans, to do so. I can just use water from the faucet, and then I wouldn't have to buy plastic likely made in China products, or make a trip to the hardware store in my car. Which is the so-called greener choice? This isn't always obvious to me.
Similarly, I want to buy large bags of flour and sugar to keep on hand for baking. In some cases that's more cost effective than buying smaller amounts, and the prepper in me believes that it's good to have them on hand just in case there's some kind of situation. But it's a pain in the ass to store those goods in their original bags; they're too open to the air and it's difficult to access the flour and sugar in them. So I'd like to store them instead in five gallon buckets. I'm hesitant to re-use the buckets that things like spackle come in, and I'm generally concerned about the BPA and other things in plastic. I came across BPA-free five gallon buckets, which would be perfect. But again, is it a responsible choice to buy these? How green is it to bake your own bread if you're storing the flour and sugar you use to make it in plastic buckets that you purchased just because it's convenient?
Something else I'm thinking: why the hell can't I overcome my socialization about shaving my legs? I don't believe there's something more inherently beautiful about shaved vs. non-shaved legs for women. I believe it's socialization all the way through. I've shaved my legs since my early teens. I remember my hippie mother giving me shit for doing so, and telling me I'd regret it later because if I ever wanted to stop later, the hair would be thicker and darker. See, even there, when she was rejecting the societal standard that says women must shave their legs, she thought that thicker, darker hair would be less attractive. Over the fall and winter I couldn't think of a good reason to shave my legs and I was curious if I could overcome the social stigma against women with hairy legs. So I stopped shaving. The hair got long and thick. It seemed like my legs were warmer, which was nice because it was damn cold for awhile. But after a few months, looking at the hair on my legs I felt such a strong feeling of repulsion that I spontaneously shaved them, and I've kept them shaved more or less ever since. My partner hasn't expressed a preference one way or another, if anything he seems to lean toward me not shaving. So the repulsion and compulsion to shave are all self-internalized, perceived cultural standards. I have little trouble rejecting some of these standards when I think that they're unreasonable; why is this one proving to be so difficult to me? I just can't get past the belief that it's hideously unattractive for a woman to have hairy legs. So even though I don't feel like trying to be attractive is at the top of my list of things to do and I resent social pressures that push women to spend so much attention on pleasing others that way, I must also have deeply internalized the belief that I should make myself attractive by modifying myself to fit with prevailing cultural standards. So, huh.
Maybe I think too much and have read too much? Now I want to make an argument for why I don't think that's the case. I think I'll skip that. But I do think it's true that thinking and learning can make life more complicated and difficult to navigate. And sometimes that sucks and is paralyzing.
Here's a special treat: Adam Green singing Hairy Women
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| Windy Day |
Here are a few:
I've been reading homesteading and gardening blogs and I'm pining over the greenness of the plant life and the richness of the soil. Between the lack of rain here and the wind, the ground is so dry it crunches when you walk on it. I'm absolutely loving the desert, it's like nowhere else and I'm appreciating the chance to learn an entirely new environment. It feels different from anywhere else I've lived. But at the same time, I love watching things grow and cultivating growing things, and here things grow more slowly and are sparse, compared to wetter climates, where in the spring, vegetation is lush and rich. I put my seedling tomatoes outside yesterday in the sun for a few hours; when I brought them in they looked sun and wind scalded. I hope they recover. The lettuce I planted in the garden hasn't shown any signs of germination yet; I water it daily but still the soil dries out soon after it's watered. There were two sunflower sprouts I've noticed in the last few weeks during my walks; one is now completely dead, dried up to nothing, and the other, though it looked like it was flourishing and getting its second set of leaves a few days ago, is today shriveled up and sad looking. What a sad thing that seems: having only two little sunflower plants to watch, even though it's spring, and then they die. In truth, there are many other kinds of plants growing now, but it's still vastly different from and much sparser than the east coast. Oh well, given the choice to adapt or be miserable, I'll choose to try to adapt.
Another thought: there are areas in the front of the house where, when it does rain, the water flows down profusely. There are pots there from previous years, I suppose others have planted things there because there is more water there than other places. But the streams of falling water are so intense that they drown the things that are planted in the pots. My thought: I'd like to put a rain barrel or two under these spouts to catch some of the water and use it for watering the plants in the front of the house. But I'm wondering if it makes sense to buy the materials, such as plastic trash cans, to do so. I can just use water from the faucet, and then I wouldn't have to buy plastic likely made in China products, or make a trip to the hardware store in my car. Which is the so-called greener choice? This isn't always obvious to me.
Similarly, I want to buy large bags of flour and sugar to keep on hand for baking. In some cases that's more cost effective than buying smaller amounts, and the prepper in me believes that it's good to have them on hand just in case there's some kind of situation. But it's a pain in the ass to store those goods in their original bags; they're too open to the air and it's difficult to access the flour and sugar in them. So I'd like to store them instead in five gallon buckets. I'm hesitant to re-use the buckets that things like spackle come in, and I'm generally concerned about the BPA and other things in plastic. I came across BPA-free five gallon buckets, which would be perfect. But again, is it a responsible choice to buy these? How green is it to bake your own bread if you're storing the flour and sugar you use to make it in plastic buckets that you purchased just because it's convenient?
Something else I'm thinking: why the hell can't I overcome my socialization about shaving my legs? I don't believe there's something more inherently beautiful about shaved vs. non-shaved legs for women. I believe it's socialization all the way through. I've shaved my legs since my early teens. I remember my hippie mother giving me shit for doing so, and telling me I'd regret it later because if I ever wanted to stop later, the hair would be thicker and darker. See, even there, when she was rejecting the societal standard that says women must shave their legs, she thought that thicker, darker hair would be less attractive. Over the fall and winter I couldn't think of a good reason to shave my legs and I was curious if I could overcome the social stigma against women with hairy legs. So I stopped shaving. The hair got long and thick. It seemed like my legs were warmer, which was nice because it was damn cold for awhile. But after a few months, looking at the hair on my legs I felt such a strong feeling of repulsion that I spontaneously shaved them, and I've kept them shaved more or less ever since. My partner hasn't expressed a preference one way or another, if anything he seems to lean toward me not shaving. So the repulsion and compulsion to shave are all self-internalized, perceived cultural standards. I have little trouble rejecting some of these standards when I think that they're unreasonable; why is this one proving to be so difficult to me? I just can't get past the belief that it's hideously unattractive for a woman to have hairy legs. So even though I don't feel like trying to be attractive is at the top of my list of things to do and I resent social pressures that push women to spend so much attention on pleasing others that way, I must also have deeply internalized the belief that I should make myself attractive by modifying myself to fit with prevailing cultural standards. So, huh.
Maybe I think too much and have read too much? Now I want to make an argument for why I don't think that's the case. I think I'll skip that. But I do think it's true that thinking and learning can make life more complicated and difficult to navigate. And sometimes that sucks and is paralyzing.
Here's a special treat: Adam Green singing Hairy Women
Can I trust this hairy woman,
to hide out when I'm embarrassed,
so embarrassed by injustice that shuts doors on hairy women,
There's no place inside this romance,
for a girl that's clearly balding,
so embarrassed by injustice that shuts doors on balding women.
We despise the narrow souls we tend,
the bowls of bones that skulls descend,
the shallow pools of lust,
that drown our tallest women.
Though this is a place of business,
where they pay with mumbo-jumbo,
I have praise for every fantasy that braves a hairy nipple,
We despise the narrow souls we found,
that haunt us fifteen years from now,
they just have no remorse,
they shut their doors on women,
I'm so embarrassed.
to hide out when I'm embarrassed,
so embarrassed by injustice that shuts doors on hairy women,
There's no place inside this romance,
for a girl that's clearly balding,
so embarrassed by injustice that shuts doors on balding women.
We despise the narrow souls we tend,
the bowls of bones that skulls descend,
the shallow pools of lust,
that drown our tallest women.
Though this is a place of business,
where they pay with mumbo-jumbo,
I have praise for every fantasy that braves a hairy nipple,
We despise the narrow souls we found,
that haunt us fifteen years from now,
they just have no remorse,
they shut their doors on women,
I'm so embarrassed.
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