Out Walking Again

I mentioned in a recent blog post that I had gone on three walks that day.  That was a day with lots of energy.  Unfortunately, I paid for that.  The following three days I was so stiff that I could barely move.  All of my muscles, especially those in my legs, seemed to be spasming.  The stiffness was so severe that even the most gentle of yoga work did nothing but cause me more pain.  That in turn, was depressing.  Usually, my pain can be attributed to processes related to psoriatic arthritis or fibromyalgia.  This pain, no.  It made me confront the fact that there's something more going on, the mysterious something that my doctors have so far scratched their heads about, but which might be related to demyelinating disease of the central nervous system.  

I know it's irrational, but I was angry with my body.  Angry that it hurts me to sit in the car to do mundane things like go to the grocery store and the post office.  Angry that it hurts me to simply lie bed and to sit in a chair.  At the same time that I was angry, I was chastising myself, telling myself I should be grateful, that many people are worse off than I am.  

But while I don't want to complain, how much worse off can it be?  Much of the time, I'd be happy to sit in a wheelchair, as long as I wasn't in pain.  I'd be happy to be using crutches, as long as the pain wasn't there.  There are those few moments when the pain goes away, and I feel elated, blissful almost.  If the pain goes away long enough, I become accustomed to it, and being painless is no big deal.  But those times are rare.  I'm either in pain, have severe fatigue, or I'm in a short respite.

When the pain gets very bad as it did after my excessive exercising, I get to a certain point where I think, "I'm not getting the medical care I need.  There has got to be a way to treat this better than we are."  But so far, nothing medical has helped me much, beyond steroid infusions.  Those clear everything up for a little while.  I did e-mail my rheumatologist about getting another steroid injection in my hip.  While it doesn't usually help to get the injection, he mentioned that it would be possible to get an injection that would more accurately target the bursa that is the problem, by using ultra-sound to guide where the needle is inserted.  I'm also going to plead for a more effective pain killer, because what they've given me just isn't cutting it.   

Apart from medical treatments, what works seems to be effective for pain and fatigue are a) a sufficient amount of rest, b) avoiding stress, and c) getting some but not too much exercise.  Hot water soaks help too, but only briefly.  I haven't noticed any connections to diet, beyond eating small, regular meals.

This morning I woke up feeling a bit better--even though I had a hard time sleeping due to pain; by mid morning my muscles had loosened enough for me to do a mild yoga session.  And then....I decided to go for a hike.  Ridiculous, I know.  But while I was out there, I had overwhelming feelings of peacefulness and serenity.  I felt awestruck at the sky, the mountains, the rocks, everything.  I could feel my self expand, taking it all in.  I had the sense that I was a part of it, or it was all a part of me, so to speak.  During one of those ecstatic moments,  I was explicit with myself.  I told myself, I know this walk is going to cost me.  I might wind up in bed for the next two days, but goddammit, it's worth it.  

So, now I'm back in my living room, half sitting, half lying in my cozy chair with my feet up on a foot stool.  I am, of course, in a lot of pain.  But fuck it.  I experienced ecstasy for a little while.  I hope it tides me over until I feel well enough for the next hike.

Here are some pictures I took.  

These first four are of a cluster of Junipers that were cut down to fuel the boiler of the trains, back when the railroad ran through here. 

These five photos are also of dead Juniper trees.  Here, the balls you see are tree sap, extruded from the wood.

This last one is of another dead tree (yes, I like dead trees).  It looks out over the area where I was walking.

This walk ended, as have the last several, when I came across a game trail and noticed fresh-looking mountain lion tracks mixed in with tracks from deer.  I found a dried cholla cactus that had its roots still attached, a broken arrow head, a big bone (likely from a cow or an elk), and an unusual big, green and pink rock.  I need to do some research to figure out what kind of minerals are in it.