Peak Moment Yesterday?

I had a peak moment in my life yesterday. First, a little background: The last 10 years of my life have been very challenging. I left my 20-year marriage, my son moved out and went off to college out of state, I came down with several auto-immune diseases and had to retire from my career as a philosophy professor, and I became formally disabled. Then I met the man who is now my husband and we moved across the country twice, first to NM from Maryland, and then from NM to Maine. After a winter in Maine, we decided to go nomadic for the cold months of the year (he works online in IT). This past November, we left Maine in our 13-foot very vintage trailer and we're now back in NM, currently staying for a month at a very rustic clothing optional hot springs resort. We've met some fantastically interesting people while traveling, including an older couple also from Maine who travel during the winter. Yesterday was the man's 76th birthday, and his wife organized a party at one of the pools with all of our park neighbors (about 8 of us). So here's my peak moment: yesterday under the midday sun, I soaked in a hot springs pool and walked around stark naked at a birthday party for a 76 year old man, in the middle of the desert in rural NM, with a group of new nomadic friends from all over the country. We ate cake, smoked some marijuana (fully legal and medically prescribed, of course), listened to music, soaked, and smiled big, big smiles at one another. Yes, my insecure, self-critical self was still there with me the whole time and I had to work at not feeling self-conscious and awkward and emotionally numb from ptsd, but damn, I was there, I was having that experience.

At the time, I imagined that I was the 76 year old man and thought to myself, "What a wonderful life!  To be here, under the sun and in the water with these people on this beautiful day, happy and open to the world."  And then I realized, "Wait, I'm here, too.  This is my life."    The odd thing was, I felt greater happiness when I imagined the afternoon from someone else's experience, than I did when I felt it on my own behalf.  That is, I didn't feel the happiness when I experienced it as myself, I felt it only when I imagined I was someone else.  I'm still puzzling over this. 

Another odd thing I noticed:  I was able to recognize that the circumstances I found myself in were the kind that would induce great happiness, but I didn't actually feel the happiness. That is, I recognized intellectually that it was a peak moment, but I didn't feel the emotion of that moment.  Should I still count this as a peak moment, I wonder?