Going Public

I've reached a decision.  I'm tired of writing up my personal entries in one application (Evernote) and hoping that one future day in my life I'll reach a point where I'll do that and create blog entries.  I've been conceiving of my writing as two separate things:  the public, which is what would go in this blog, and the private, which would go in Evernote.  The trouble is that it's difficult enough to write in Evernote every day, never mind also creating a separate entry for this blog.  

So why not just combine the two and publish everything?  Well, I haven't wanted everything I write to be public.  I have concerns about the privacy of the other people I write about, and I don't always want everyone in my life to know what I'm thinking or doing.  Nor do I want outsiders to always know these things.  

I also have concerns about others' judgments of me regarding the degree of my disability.  I'm currently on short term medical leave from my job and in the process of applying for long term leave and federal disability.  I worry that others will read this and use what I say I'm doing as evidence of a lack of disability.  This goes back to my own recurring feelings of insecurity about whether or not I'm disabled.  With the kinds of chronic illnesses that I have, there are periods when I am energetic and capable, and periods when I'm exhausted and incapable of anything.  These periods come and go throughout any given day, and there's also considerable variation from day to day.  Those periods when I'm energetic and capable cause me considerable difficulty; I find myself thinking that if I just push myself harder, I could be energetic and capable all the time.  But I do push and push and I'm still not energetic and capable all of the time.  So I go back and forth between thinking that I should just push myself harder, and admitting that sometimes I just can't do all that I want to do or think that I should do.  But it's a constant battle with myself.  

The feelings that come from vacillating symptoms are difficult to deal with from a personal perspective, re self doubt.  But it's sometimes the case that others don't know what to make of them either.  Those who evaluate people with autoimmune diseases for the purposes of determining disability also face difficulties.  Most disability is pretty constant; you either can or can't walk, can or can't see, for example.  The social security administration doesn't know what to make of people who can walk one minute or one day, but can't the next.  There's nothing in the standards for evaluating disability about how often you're disabled, or what percentage of your time you're disabled.  Friends and family of those with autoimmune disease also have trouble understanding fluctuating capacities.  So, in sum, I worry about those who read this blog, and who think they can accurately judge my capacities based on what I say I can do at any given time.  

But I also think it's really important to have more publicly available accounts that describe the lived experiences of those with autoimmune diseases so that people who don't have them come to develop a better understanding of the fluctuating capacities of those with these diseases.  I also think these accounts are important for those who have these diseases to read;  I have often felt very alone when I experience the fluctuations, and suffer from intense feelings of self-doubt and self-hatred.  I definitely would have benefited from learning that others are going through this same process of fluctuation and self-doubt, and seeing that it is intrinsic to the nature of having autoimmune diseases.  The recognition of shared experience would allow me to take a step back from my self-judging self, to simply observe that the doubt and judgment happen, and to then get on with my life, rather than remaining caught up the self-judgment that can lead to self-hatred.  So, in balance, even though I worry about the judgments of others if I go public about what I can do, I think there are sufficient reasons to overcome those worries.  On that note, let's go!

Here's what I wrote yesterday, unedited:  

Very lethargic today.  Had a very bad night for sleeping. Couldn't sleep for the first part; I was tired but not at all sleepy and M. was out with the stars. I'm always unsettled when he's not yet in bed.  Then I had very disturbing dreams for what seemed like a very long time.  I recall that one involved Christmas shopping with my ex-husband late on Christmas eve.  He was buying all kinds of crap and it wasn't clear if he was buying for both of us for friends and relatives, or just for himself.  I kept trying to get him to clarify for me and he was avoiding giving me a definite answer.  To get to the mall, we had to double up on my bicycle and I couldn't get the damn gears to work correctly so I was pushing really hard on the pedals to make it go. I just couldn't get it to work.

In another dream I had lost my main computer and had to use a secondary one with a teeny tiny screen.  I kept fucking up what I was trying to type and having to start over.  I was trying to text my one o my university classes to let the students know that I wouldn't be holding class; I was also trying to tell my other class which reading to do since I had cancelled two previous class periods and they wouldn't know what to read to prepare for class.   I was running out of time and I just kept getting the text wrong.  I also couldn't figure out how to make the computer work so that I could access the contact list for all the students in the class.  

I've been having recurring dreams that I've lost my main computer and all I have is a primitive back up one.  In every dream, I've been neglecting my students--missing classes, coming late, not being clear about the assignments, etc.  I'm always in a panic because I'm not able to communicate with them to let them know what's going on, why I'm absent, that I'm going to be late, which readings to do, etc.  Oddly, the dreams often take place in my middle school in New Hampshire.   It seems pretty clear that these dreams reflect some unconscious anxieties I have about being out on medical leave, and the problems in my marriage.  

During my waking hours, I don't feel anxiety about not teaching or, more generally, regret the choice I've made to move out here to New Mexico in order to take better care of myself.  I do of course worry about money and whether we'll be able to support ourselves and take care of my mother.  

I have had anxiety dreams every night (with a few exceptions) as far back as I can remember.  Almost always, they've involved being unable to type in a number accurately on a telephone or a computer keyboard.  I'm often late for and missing flights or trains.  Lately the anxiety has been wrapping itself around losing my main computer, having some irregularity with my class attendance, and being unable to communicate with my students about my latenesses or absences.

I don't want to wrap too much significance around the content of my dreams.  My assessment of what's going on is that as part of my sleep disorders, I have excessive anxiety.  This anxiety then wraps itself around whatever content is relevant to my life at a given time, or things in my past that were significant.  In other words, I don't think anxiety about these particular things necessarily leads to the dreams; I think I have the anxiety in general and it finds relevant content to attach itself to.  At the same time, I don't deny that at times I do have anxiety dreams about things that I am really anxious about--I just think it's incorrect to infer from my bad dreams that as a general matter I'm anxious or upset about the things that I dream about.  

*****

I tried to go back to bed mid-morning but I had several major sleep starts; one was so severe it almost catapulted me out of the bed.  Supposedly these are normal but I never had them until I got sick and then suddenly they were happening to me pretty regularly.  

I fought hard against the lethargy; I was able to finish digging one of the beds in the garden for either the garlic or the onions, and I filled two containers with horse manure from the pasture.  I carried one that was very light back to the garden and spread it on the bed.  I've never experienced manure like this before.  It's completely dried out and still in the shape that it was when it exited the horses. The manure I've always worked with has been broken down, presumably because of the higher moisture content in non-desert areas.  So what do I do with it?  Water the bed and try to work it in?  Seems like that will just become a muddy mess.  But I can't really just plant directly in the manure; it's not sufficiently broken down into particles in which the plants could grow.  

Tried to get up my gumption to make candles earlier, but wasn't successful.  I did read up some more on it.  I found a reel of candle wicking in with my son's collection of the craft supplies.  

M., my mother, and I listened to the third party debates last night.  I'm very glad we did.  It was more than refreshing to hear the kinds of things they were saying; they touched on all the important topics that many people have been worrying about, both progressives and conservatives, but which the two main candidates have completely ignored. For example, this debate was the first time the President was called to task for drone strikes that have killed innocent people, the unauthorized use of military force and declaration of wars, the authorization of regulations that allow the detention of U.S. citizens for suspicion of terrorist involvement, climate change, the unsustainability of continued expansion of oil drilling, the massive deficit, inequality of educational opportunity and gargantuan student debt at the higher education level, etc.  

*****

We are likely to get a hard freeze Friday night for the first time.  I'm thinking about creating some coop houses for growing for winter greens, as described on the Homegrown New Mexico Website (http://homegrownnewmexico.wordpress.com/2012/10/23/tips-for-freeze-below-30-degrees/).  I would need to buy 8 gauge wire from the hardware store and frost protection row cover  (available here:  http://www.johnnyseeds.com/p-5452-agribon-ag-19-83-x-50.aspx).  The wire should be cut into 63 inch lengths and bent into hoop shapes; the hoops need to be inserted every foot or so along the row.  The row cover can be held down with rocks or it's possible to buy pins made especially for the purpose.  According to Johnny Seeds,  this would protect the vegetables down to 28 degrees.

Given the upcoming freeze, I need to pick the remaining tomatoes and find something to do with them.   I've picked quite a few mostly red tomatoes over the last week.  It's a shame the freeze is coming, the tomato plants and squashes were really just starting to take off.  I think that's due to a few things (keep in mind for next year):  sufficient water (twice a day; the drip system didn't seem to provide adequate water); mulching; and the addition of blood and bone meal, and manure.  

*****

I want to look into beekeeping.  It would be useful to have the bees for pollination, the honey, and the wax for candles.  

*****

I'm hesitating about forging ahead with chickens.  On the one hand, it makes sense budget-wise to wait until I figure out if I get long term disability benefits from work before I spend the money that would be needed for building a coop, and that we have sufficient regular income to be able to buy feed.  On the other hand, I would feel much more comfortable knowing that we have a source of protein ready at hand in case something happens either budget-wise or if the shit hits the fan.  The investment for a coop would be about a month's rent.  That's a lot of eggs that could be purchased at the store.

In one way of thinking, chickens are not cost-effective unless you figure them to be an investment over three or so years.  On the other hand, they could be a means of survival if gas goes through the roof or the U.S. has the environmental and/or economic collapse that many warn is coming.  

It's quite difficult (impossible really) to assess probabilities of things like economic or environmental collapse.  Concerns such as being able to pay the rent for the next few months are much more immediate and ability to prepare is much more measurable.  But if things go to hell, the chickens really could be a means of survival.  

Once again, though, the biggest concern for sustainability for us in this area is not chicken: it's access to water.  I have no confidence that our community well would continue to be supplied if things go to hell; I'm sure people would try to cut off water much further up the river.  

There's just not enough water here throughout the year to be able to live using our grey-water system and rain barrels.  The rain comes during monsoon season, then we're dry the rest of the year as far as I can tell.  I've been reading up on how to locate water in the desert, but being able to find a few drops to be able to survive the day is very different from having enough water to grow the vegetables and fruits needed to survive long term.  

On second thought, Natives did live here for thousands of years, however, so it is possible.  On third thought, from what I have read, the Anasazi died out at least in part because of drought-like conditions.  They weren't able to grow enough food to sustain the population; they had switched over to farming from hunting and gathering, and their population grew in times when there was sufficient water, and then they experienced several periods of severe drought.  We are already in a lower than average rainfall pattern and projections are that the area is going to get hotter and dryer over the coming century due to manmade climate change, so drought is a concern we must also face if we stay in this area.

But what about a hunter gatherer:  Is there enough food to sustain a hunter gatherer type existence in this immediate area?  I doubt there is enough wildlife, even given the relatively sparcity of the settlement here.  I do now know a few things we could eat and how to prepare them (that's an improvement in what I knew even a month ago!)  We could eat prickly pear tunas and cactus pads, and juniper berries (ick).  Down by the Rio Grande, there are other kinds of plants growing that we could eat at certain times of the year, but there's not much at this elevation.