Who am I? How am I to Live? How am I to understand this World?
I haven't published anything here in quite awhile; that's not
because nothing of significance has happened or I haven't had any
thoughts to share. Rather, it's that when I ask myself why I should do
so, I haven't been able to come up with a reason. I have been writing
every day, I just haven't made any of those thoughts public. I still
don't have reason to write here. So, why this entry? It's just an
impulse that's lasted long enough for me to do so. Perhaps the impulse
comes from recently reading quite a few blog entries written by other
people in the hopes of finding content that would be helpful for my own
purposes: I'm struggling to deal with some fundamental issues about
identity and meaning. Nothing I've come across has been useful.
Everything I've read has been nonsensical, irrational, saccharine,
and/or has appealed to first principles that I don't share such as the
existence of god.
I guess I'm having an extended existential crisis.
On other fronts, I've reduced my salt consumption, been awarded long term disability benefits from my employer and the federal government, adopted a dog from the animal shelter, and returned her after our other dog, S., attacked and hurt her. I've received my seed order from the Seed Savers Exchange (http://www.seedsavers.org/), and I ordered a refurbished KitchenAid mixer (see photo).
I've been looking at pieces of land for sale in southern Colorado, and thinking about how I could build or have built for me, a home, given the work and expense. I've been looking through the tiny house listings for some ideas (http://tinyhouselistings.com/ and http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/pages/houses). A small house and an even further reduction in the number of things I own would be a relief, both physical and psychological.
At the forefront of my thoughts this morning: I'm very troubled by all the things I've been reading lately that either explicitly or implicitly express a hatred and objectification of women. This morning in particular I'm struggling with how I, as a woman, can cope with these beliefs and their associated behaviors. I think that today I've brought to the forefront of my awareness the toxicity of the atmosphere in which I find myself immersed--and I'm shaken. How am I, a woman, to exist in such an atmosphere? In addition to the natural world that I see when I look out my window or that I experience when I step out into my yard, the world of mountains and sage brush and birds and rocks, I live in a cultural world, a world of constructed images, language, material goods, and relationships. Much of this cultural world tells me that I, a woman, am an object that exists for men's pleasure and use. It tells me that I am and should be controlled by men (and by some women who share their beliefs), that I am reducible to my appearance and men's evaluation of it, and that because I am a woman, I inevitably will behave in certain ways, have certain kinds of talents, attitudes, and beliefs, and that I ought to behave in certain ways. It tells me that if I question any of these things, I will draw the hatred and outright violence of many, and that because I questioned these things, others will view the expression of hatred and violence toward me as justified. It should go without saying that such attitudes and behaviors are not shared by all men, but I will say it anyway, in part out of fear of drawing yet more anger and hatred.
What I am experiencing this morning is almost a coming out of myself, a moving from my perspective as an individual who is normally caught up in the immediate and specific circumstances of my life and identity, to a different perspective where I can look out over this environment that surrounds that person who I normally am. In that perspective, I see myself not as an individual but as a woman, one of those kinds of beings that is the supposed cause of this collective hatred, violence, reduction, and objectification. In fact, I am a melding of both perspectives, both identities. I am both this kind of thing, a woman, and a particular individual. As an individual and as a woman, I am the supposed cause and the actual target of collective hatred, violence, objectification, and reduction. Perhaps this process is what C. Wright Mills refers to as the sociological imagination (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociological_imagination).
What am I to make of this? How am I to live? How am I to understand myself and the world in which I live?
What are your thoughts?
I guess I'm having an extended existential crisis.
On other fronts, I've reduced my salt consumption, been awarded long term disability benefits from my employer and the federal government, adopted a dog from the animal shelter, and returned her after our other dog, S., attacked and hurt her. I've received my seed order from the Seed Savers Exchange (http://www.seedsavers.org/), and I ordered a refurbished KitchenAid mixer (see photo).
I've been looking at pieces of land for sale in southern Colorado, and thinking about how I could build or have built for me, a home, given the work and expense. I've been looking through the tiny house listings for some ideas (http://tinyhouselistings.com/ and http://www.tumbleweedhouses.com/pages/houses). A small house and an even further reduction in the number of things I own would be a relief, both physical and psychological.
At the forefront of my thoughts this morning: I'm very troubled by all the things I've been reading lately that either explicitly or implicitly express a hatred and objectification of women. This morning in particular I'm struggling with how I, as a woman, can cope with these beliefs and their associated behaviors. I think that today I've brought to the forefront of my awareness the toxicity of the atmosphere in which I find myself immersed--and I'm shaken. How am I, a woman, to exist in such an atmosphere? In addition to the natural world that I see when I look out my window or that I experience when I step out into my yard, the world of mountains and sage brush and birds and rocks, I live in a cultural world, a world of constructed images, language, material goods, and relationships. Much of this cultural world tells me that I, a woman, am an object that exists for men's pleasure and use. It tells me that I am and should be controlled by men (and by some women who share their beliefs), that I am reducible to my appearance and men's evaluation of it, and that because I am a woman, I inevitably will behave in certain ways, have certain kinds of talents, attitudes, and beliefs, and that I ought to behave in certain ways. It tells me that if I question any of these things, I will draw the hatred and outright violence of many, and that because I questioned these things, others will view the expression of hatred and violence toward me as justified. It should go without saying that such attitudes and behaviors are not shared by all men, but I will say it anyway, in part out of fear of drawing yet more anger and hatred.
What I am experiencing this morning is almost a coming out of myself, a moving from my perspective as an individual who is normally caught up in the immediate and specific circumstances of my life and identity, to a different perspective where I can look out over this environment that surrounds that person who I normally am. In that perspective, I see myself not as an individual but as a woman, one of those kinds of beings that is the supposed cause of this collective hatred, violence, reduction, and objectification. In fact, I am a melding of both perspectives, both identities. I am both this kind of thing, a woman, and a particular individual. As an individual and as a woman, I am the supposed cause and the actual target of collective hatred, violence, objectification, and reduction. Perhaps this process is what C. Wright Mills refers to as the sociological imagination (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sociological_imagination).
What am I to make of this? How am I to live? How am I to understand myself and the world in which I live?
What are your thoughts?
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